In August of 2016 we began our IVF stimulation cycle, I was giving myself multiple injections a day along with other medication. I had to be at the Clinic every other morning for blood work. After about a week or so my eggs were finally beginning to grow. It was a slow process but they were growing steadily – a lot of eggs too. Too many – I was hyperstimulating. I was creating too many in such a short period of time that it wouldn’t be safe to transfer our embryos days following the retrieval. Luckily, 12 of our 13 eggs that were collected, fertilized and they were frozen the following day. In October we began the process of preparing my body for transfer, I was taking a nasal spray every 4 hours and taking medication to build up my uterine lining. On November 26, 2016 we transferred 2 day 5 embryos and 2 weeks later we received our results. The transfer failed, we were not pregnant. We were devastated. However, we were able to try again in January. Not long after our negative results I began to prepare my body for our second transfer. On February 2, 2016 we transferred 2 very strong day 3 embryos. A few days after Valentine’s Day, Dylan and I anxiously awaited our results. It was near the end of the day when the clinic finally called with our results…they were negative again. I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. I cried, Dylan cried, we cried together. I don’t think I had ever cried so much. Our hearts were so broken. We felt so empty.

We only have 1 embryo left. The chances of this embryo surviving the thawing process is small. The chances of conceiving with this single embryo is even smaller. With these small odds it is unlikely we will ever decide to use our last embryo. At this point, we have decided to live a childfree life. Yes, we realize surrogacy and adoption are both options. No, we are not pursuing them, nor do we plan on pursing them. No, money is not the problem. We have had a very challenging 3 years and we emotionally need a break. Infertility is extremely painful, you feel desperate, helpless and alone. We experienced the 5 stages of grief every month for 3 years, we are exhausted. We have cried a lifetime of tears. Not many people understand how it feels and don’t know what to say when you tell them about your struggle. I felt like I was less of a woman and I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I am the reason we cannot have a baby. My husband, bless his heart, was incredible during the entire process. He was so supportive, and never made me feel like it was my fault. I saw a side of him that I didn’t know existed.

Going through infertility had made us so much stronger as a couple – a part of me is actually grateful for our struggle. I didn’t know we had such strength, I am so proud of my husband, myself and us as a couple. Even without a baby, we are still a family.