Stacey’s Story
Stacey
Regional Fertility Program – #ShareYourStory Campaign
“It is important to remember and do the things we loved before this process so we do not get lost in it. This is just a part of who we are, not all of who we are. Go for that hike, buy the shoes and take the trip. You and I have to remember we are not in this alone. There are many more people feeling the same way as us. We will get through this just like many before us.
Remain optimistic because hope is all we have.”
It has been approximately 1600 days since we decided to start a family. My husband and I have been together since January 2001 (just babies ourselves), married since July 2011, both of us 28 finally with the education and careers we had worked hard for. We were financially & mentally prepared. We had a trip planned to Mexico for October 2014 around ovulation time (the days before Zika was a known issue). However, the vacation came and went but the pregnancy did not. We were not disappointed because well “it may not happen right away so we’ll try again”. Months came and went and still nothing. After about 6 months I started researching some medications my husband had been on. My “doctor googling” suggested the medications may impact sperm quality so I sent my husband off to his family doctor for a semen analysis and blood work. I went to my family doctor for blood work. Everything came back clear except the semen analysis; apparently, we had a low count/motility issue (unrelated to the meds). A referral was sent to our local fertility clinic.
February 2016, and 16 months of trying, we were seen by our fertility specialist. He was upfront with us from the beginning that IVF may be our only option but we would try a few things first as IVF is not offered in our home province. The physician wanted me to lose a little weight, my husband to quit smoking and for the two of us to have more baseline testing (blood work, semen analysis, scans etc…).
August 2016 everything was complete and pounds were lost. Everything was normal except of course the semen analysis. Our doctor recommended for us to try a couple of rounds of IUI as it could be done at our home clinic and the only cost was for the semen wash. Fast forward to December 2016 when I started 50mg of clomid in preparation for our first IUI. On my preliminary scans I had three good follicles. The day of the first IUI came with nervousness and excitement. We thought that finally this would be it. My husband went to the clinic early in the morning to provide his sample. When we went back later that day we were not met with great news. The total of good sperm in the wash was 250,000. They like to see greater than 5,000,000. 5,000,000!!!! Needless to say, we left disappointed and had a miserable Christmas. Test day was scheduled for December 27, big surprise BFN!
After the holidays, we got back on the horse to prepare for the next IUI as our Doctor said it wouldn’t hurt. So, again I started 50mg clomid. This time on scan day I only had one good follicle growing. Not off to a great start. IUI day came again. The wash this time was 500,000. Double of the first sample but still not good enough. Again, this cycle ended in BFN.
The day of our 2nd IUI we also had a clinic appointment. We met with the doctor and he sent off a referral to our chosen clinic in Calgary for IVF. We chose the Calgary Regional Fertility Program (RFP) as we have family who live in Calgary and at least that would save us the cost of accommodations. The referral/consult to RFP moved quickly with phone calls back and forth starting March 2, 2017. I had to wait three cycles after my last IUI to begin my first IVF cycle. It was decided we would travel to Calgary in May 2017.
I started the IVF process on April 23, 2017 with suprefact nasal spray 5x a day to down regulate. I than had baseline ultrasounds and blood work at home. I started my injections on May 9, 2017 and travelled to Calgary on May 16, 2017. We continued to have daily blood work/us every day as I was at risk for OHSS. It was decided my retrieval would be on May 23, 2017. We had 40 follicles in which 23 eggs were retrieved. Of the 23, 12 were mature & fertilized. Out of the 12, we had 5 blastocysts. Due to my estradiol level of ~32,000 It was decided it was too dangerous for me to transfer and we would do a freeze all for a transfer in a couple of months.
I was upset with this decision at first but quickly realized it was for my safety and any potential pregnancy. I enjoyed my summer and I started to prepare in early august again with suprefact. I travelled to Calgary on my own, had the transfer of one blastocyst & came home. About 9 days after the transfer I did the dreaded and took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. FIRST TIME EVER!!! I never told my husband but he knew something was up. Five days later I had my beta and it was 5 which if you don’t already know, is a negative. At this point I had never been so disappointed. I was hysterically crying. I called my husband at work from my work and he came to pick me up. We both went home cried & napped. Again, after grieving we picked up the pieces & moved on. We spoke to our physician at RFP to discuss next steps. We had to wait a few cycles in between and planned for another transfer January 2018. Another Christmas with no pregnancy, no baby.
January came. I started the prep in December. This time we both went for a little get away. We flew, we transferred two blastocysts, and we came home to the dreaded 2-week wait again. This time I promised both myself and husband I wouldn’t take a home pregnancy test. However, BETA day fell on a Saturday. At home there is nowhere to get blood work on a Saturday. So, our local clinic said to take a home pregnancy test on beta day than come in for a BETA on Monday. That Saturday came… another positive home pregnancy test. We were excited but guarded. On Monday I went for my beta and it was positive but not positive enough at 256. I than went for blood work every two days. My beta never doubled as it was supposed to it just slowly crept up. It was suspected I may have had an ectopic pregnancy. I was sent for a scan. Thankfully it was not ectopic and there was a small pseudo sac developing. I was told once I stopped my luteal phase meds it would pass and it did. Again, we were faced with grief, upset & anxiety
At RFP we had two Blastocysts left. Both of lesser quality than the rest. We made a plan to travel in May 2018 for our next and last transfer of that first IVF cycle almost a year to the day. Again, we flew; we transferred our last two and came home. The 2-week wait was a little easier this time. I distracted myself with work and the summer weather helped. Beta day came. I was beyond nervous. The phone rang and I couldn’t answer it. I had my husband meet me at work for lunch so we could listen to the voicemail together. It was positive and a good positive at 536. We were thrilled but guarded. We made an appointment for my first scan a couple of weeks after.
All was going well. However, ten days after my positive beta I had some bleeding. Actually, a lot of bleeding. I was terrified and upset. I called my local clinic and they sent me for another beta. Beta had increased to 15000 and two days later it was 30000. So, all was well & our 7 week scan was scheduled for June 22, 2018. That day came and it was the best day. We saw for the first time all our hard work on that screen with its little flickering heart. At that time, we were scheduled for another in 2 weeks.
The next two weeks were great. We had a little staycation at home. Leisurely went kayaking and just enjoyed the early days of summer. I even started to have some nausea and cravings. The day of our second scan we had thought we had overcome all our obstacles and we never had one bad thought. We went in the room and I lay on the table. The doctor started. First, I saw on the screen the shape. It looked like a little gummy bear measuring perfectly but then the perfect flickering heart I seen on the first scan was not there anymore. I was supposed to be 9W. We were measuring 8w6d but there was no heartbeat anymore. Again, we were devastated. I could not even speak. We were sent to our obstetrics clinic for a second opinion where it was reconfirmed. I was instructed to stop my luteal phase meds and was given two doses of misoprostal to take to help pass the tissue. The process of the miscarriage after the medications, I did not find difficult. Mentally and emotionally I was drained. I was hard on myself for a few months. I was angry, sad and anxious. I did activities I found enjoyable but did not fell joy. I did not know what to do anymore. I was miserable.
When I was ready and after another conversation with our physician at RFP we decided to do another fresh IVF cycle. This brings us to November 2018. We were given a different protocol that hopefully wouldn’t result in OHSS. This time I was to fly to Calgary a little earlier than the previous cycle so they could keep a closer eye on me. We flew and had daily blood work & ultrasounds. I had my retrieval on November 28, 2018. This time we had 15 follicles, 14 eggs retrieved, 11 mature and 9 fertilized. We ended up with 5 blastocysts again. We transferred one of those on December 3, 2018. Again, we flew home for the 2-week wait.
This time when I got home I knew it did not work. My husband still optimistic told me I was crazy and to hang tight. However, beta day came and nothing. Not a 536, 256 or even a 5. It was 0. This time however I did not cry, I did not wail. I kept telling myself it is what it is and I can’t change it. I have done what I can and I just have to keep trying. Another Christmas no pregnancy, no baby.
Now we are in the waiting period for our next transfer of two blastocysts. We will fly, we will transfer and we will wait.
In the midst of all this life goes on. Good and bad. We both grew in our careers, I travelled for work, our 16-year-old dog died and we had a hit and run in our driveway that costs 1000’s of dollars in damage. Minor things but combined with everything else it really starts to get to you. This journey is not easy. It’s overwhelming. From all the appointments, scans, acupuncture, online forums, pomegranate juice, “prescription sex” & of course money. From words and abbreviations like tissue, hpt, FET, IVF, IUI & TWW. Listening to people and their stories about a friend of a friend or giving you advice or comment that you do not need to hear. I have been miserable and am miserable. I do not know what I have done to deserve all this heart break. Everything about this is hard and unfair. It takes a toll on your relationships; with your spouse, family members and friends. Not everyone will understand what you are going through. I personally can’t stand to see, talk to or talk about anyone else’s pregnancy. I have become anxious in social situations thinking the topic will come up. It is really hard to not be miserable but you pick up the piece, talk to someone, work through it and move on. I am lucky my husband and I have a great relationship. It has been just the two of us for a long time and I would not give that up. I love that man with all my heart. We have made it clear from the beginning neither of us blames the other. I hope every day that this next transfer will finally result in our only wish. I am glad that I am able to have this process as an option and grateful every day I am healthy, my husband is healthy & all family and friends around me are healthy. Infertility is a terrible heart-breaking thing to go through but I am reminded at work every day how lucky I am and how much worse it would really be.
It is important to remember and do the things we loved before this process so we do not get lost in it. This is just a part of who we are not all of who we are. Go for that hike, buy the shoe and take the trip. You and I have to remember we are not in this alone. There are many more people feeling the same way as us. We will get through this just like many before us. Remain optimistic because hope is all we have.